The First 5 years

My Mom passed away September 25th 2005. I miss her every day. She made more impact on my life than anyone I have ever known. She was a quiet person who never said anything mean about anyone. Ever... I wish I could say I was just like her but that would be a lie. I will never be as humble and kind as she was. She was so smart about everyday life. I learned after her passing that she thought she was not very smart and that was why she didn't talk a lot. Not smart, my mother not smart... I wish I had told her how smart I thought she was. I never did.
You never think of your Mom as being insecure. I guess that is because she is the one person that always made me feel secure.
My Mom had Parkinson's Disease. It is hard to accept the reality of this disease. Your mind sees what it is doing but it has a hard time accepting that it is doing it to someone that you use to depend on (and at time still do) for who you are. She had been there for me so many time and here I was trying to be there for her and sucking at it. I know at times I made her laugh and at time I know I made her cry, but the times I hate the most are the times I know I disappointed her.
You know the old saying, you always hurt the ones you love.... well I know that to be true. It is not an intentional hurt but does that really matter? I wish she was here so I could tell her just one more time how much I love her.
In June before my Mom died. I found out I had Breast Cancer. I found a lump in my breast Memorial Day weekend. I never actually told my Mom. She heard me talking to her Hospice Aide (Marie) one day and out of the blue she asked me where the lump was. It startled me because a lot of the time she was out of it. I told her my breast and that was all that was said. She seemed to go down faster after that. I have always wondered if she decided that day that she was a burden and to not fight anymore. I don't really remember talking to her much after that. I know this sounds strange but I am not sure if my mind has just blocked the conversations out or if they really never took place at all. It was the only time in my life that I can remember that I didn't go to my Mom with what was going on in my life. I don't even remember going into her bedroom at night and talking to her about anything. Did I just pretend she wasn't there? I don't know....it haunts me. It is a blur and I hate it. When my Mom needed me I let her down.
Time has a way of either healing or in some cases lifting the haze from a situation and help you look at it from all angles. For me it has not been long enough, it is still like yesterday. I wish I could remember the last conversation we had. Did I make her laugh or cry or did I disappoint. I pray that someday when my time here is done that I can see her face and feel her arms around me.