Mom and Dad

If my Mom had lived 20 days longer she and my Dad would have celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary. That is amazing by any ones standards. They met when my Mom was 15 and Dad was 22. Today that would be illegal but back in the 1940's it was common. They married on October 14th 1940. My Mom had just turned 16 and Dad was 23. Dad joined the Army and he and Mom lived in Abilene,Texas for a short while. Mom was pregnant with my brother Johnny when he left for WWII. Johnny was 2 years old before the war was over and came home. My sister Judy was born in 1947. I have always believed that I was the oops baby. Mom hated it when I said that but she never said I wasn't.
Mom was a natural born Army General. I told her she missed her calling. She was great at details and delegating. Dad was good at following orders and making Mom happy. I remember things at home as always running smoothly. I don't know how because they both worked full time jobs and our house always looked clean and orderly. She made it look so easy. Until I left home I never knew how hard she worked to make it look easy.
Mom and Dad were both the oldest in their families so they were mature at a early age. They were raised during the depression and knew how to make money stretch. They were from a generation that valued common sense. If my Mom had been in charge of the national budget we would not be in the mess we are in right now.
Dad and Mom never made a lot of money but I know people that made twice as much with a lot less to show for it. Dad worked with cars and trucks most of his life. His time at home was spent outside and in his shop. Mom loved her flowers and the house. She worked 30 years for Timex. They put their heart in everything they did. They were two halves that made a whole.
They were very involved at Church. Many would say that they never missed a Sunday or Wednesday service. I however would say they showed Gods love every day in all they did.
I know that they had a pretty ordinary life but in a way it is amazing. They lived 65 years together. Raised 3 children, Worked hard, and put God first. Simple.
My Dad misses her everyday. He has dementia and most of the time can't remember his last sentence but he remembers Mom. He can't talk about her without crying. It has been 5 years this September but even with dementia he still remembers her. True Love.

The First 5 years

My Mom passed away September 25th 2005. I miss her every day. She made more impact on my life than anyone I have ever known. She was a quiet person who never said anything mean about anyone. Ever... I wish I could say I was just like her but that would be a lie. I will never be as humble and kind as she was. She was so smart about everyday life. I learned after her passing that she thought she was not very smart and that was why she didn't talk a lot. Not smart, my mother not smart... I wish I had told her how smart I thought she was. I never did.
You never think of your Mom as being insecure. I guess that is because she is the one person that always made me feel secure.
My Mom had Parkinson's Disease. It is hard to accept the reality of this disease. Your mind sees what it is doing but it has a hard time accepting that it is doing it to someone that you use to depend on (and at time still do) for who you are. She had been there for me so many time and here I was trying to be there for her and sucking at it. I know at times I made her laugh and at time I know I made her cry, but the times I hate the most are the times I know I disappointed her.
You know the old saying, you always hurt the ones you love.... well I know that to be true. It is not an intentional hurt but does that really matter? I wish she was here so I could tell her just one more time how much I love her.
In June before my Mom died. I found out I had Breast Cancer. I found a lump in my breast Memorial Day weekend. I never actually told my Mom. She heard me talking to her Hospice Aide (Marie) one day and out of the blue she asked me where the lump was. It startled me because a lot of the time she was out of it. I told her my breast and that was all that was said. She seemed to go down faster after that. I have always wondered if she decided that day that she was a burden and to not fight anymore. I don't really remember talking to her much after that. I know this sounds strange but I am not sure if my mind has just blocked the conversations out or if they really never took place at all. It was the only time in my life that I can remember that I didn't go to my Mom with what was going on in my life. I don't even remember going into her bedroom at night and talking to her about anything. Did I just pretend she wasn't there? I don't know....it haunts me. It is a blur and I hate it. When my Mom needed me I let her down.
Time has a way of either healing or in some cases lifting the haze from a situation and help you look at it from all angles. For me it has not been long enough, it is still like yesterday. I wish I could remember the last conversation we had. Did I make her laugh or cry or did I disappoint. I pray that someday when my time here is done that I can see her face and feel her arms around me.

It all started 10 years ago..............

This Blog is actually just for me. I thought that maybe I could look at the last 10 years from a distance and see it more clearly. In a lot of ways it has been a blessing and in some a real awakening into myself as a person. I wish I could tell you that I have learned to love myself more, but that would be a lie. It is a moment by moment roller coaster ride of self pity, self doubt and loathing and an occasional feeling of heart swelling joy.
At the end of summer 2000, my husband Roger (the most amazingly unselfish person I know) and I moved back to Little Rock. My Mom had Parkinson and was not doing well, and my Dad was not able to take care of her alone. So...... instead of selling the house and moving them into a Mobile Home by my sister my husband Roger (the most amazingly unselfish person I know) decided to move in and take care of them. That was 10 years ago this year.